You’re well on your way to teaching your child to be an independent person, and then all of a sudden, it occurs — your little one becomes a stage 5 clinger. Whether for a week, a fortnight or longer, you wonder what could have happened to make your child refuse to leave your side (or scream like a banshee when he must).
As it turns out, though, children go through phases of clinginess (and, in the end, some children are just clingier than others). Clinginess can be a sign of a healthy relationship — it says that your child feels safe and comfortable with you.
To that end, avoid ignoring, discouraging or punishing clingy behavior, as it can have lasting effects on your relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to cater to his every demand, though this is probably the time to be a little bit more relaxed about what you say yes and no to.
If the clinginess becomes overwhelming, rest assured that it’s likely a phase (particularly if it came out of nowhere). Create a few changes to your routine and you’ll likely minimize your child’s desire to stick to you like glue.
How Separation Anxiety Develops
Babies adapt pretty well to other people caring for them. I find it’s often the parents who suffer anxiety about being separated more than the infants do!
As long as their needs are being met, most babies younger than 6 months adjust easily to other people.
Sometime between 4-7 months, babies develop a sense of “object permanence” and begin to learn that things and people exist even when they’re out of sight.
This is when babies start playing the “dropping” game of — dropping things over the side of the high chair and expecting you to keep on getting it. I remember this phase well when my son was a baby!
The same thing occurs with a parent.
Babies realize that there’s only mum or dad, and when they can’t see you, that means you’ve gone away. And because babies and toddlers most don’t yet understand the concept of time, they don’t understand that you’ll come back.
They think you’ve gone for good!
Whether you’re in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it’s all the same to your young toddler.
You’ve disappeared, and your child will do whatever he or she can to prevent this from happening.
Be Predictable
As you likely already know, children thrive on routines; however, a young child might not quite realize that you have their schedule set in stone day in and day out — they mostly live in the present. Provide consistent reminders about what’s happening next and what your child will do later in the day. If you think your little one will understand, create a visual calendar that uses pictures to show each activity planned for the day.
Give warnings when something is about to change. If you’re dropping your child off at daycare or school, give a five-minute warning about five minutes before you’ll be separated. Then, give them a two-minute warning. When it’s time to say goodbye, tie your return to a concrete event, such as, “I’ll be back to pick you up after naptime.”
Making Goodbyes Easier
These strategies can help ease you and your toddler through this difficult period.
- Timing is everything. Try not to start daycare or childcare with an unfamiliar person when your little one is between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to appear.
Also, try not to leave when your toddler is likely to be tired, hungry, or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes.
- Practice. Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places gradually. If you’re planning to leave your child with a relative or a new babysitter, then invite that person over in advance so they can spend time together while you’re in the room.
If your clingy child is starting at a new daycare center or nursery, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a carer for short periods of time so that he or she can get used to being away from you.
- Be calm and consistent. Create an exit ritual where you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure them that you’ll be back — and explain how long it will be until you come back saying something like “I’ll be back in 2 of your favourite CBBIES programs,” using concepts your toddler understands like “after lunch,” because your child can’t yet understand time. Give them your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you’re leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.
- Follow through on promises. It’s very important to make sure that you return when you have promised to. This is critical — this is how your clingy child will develop the confidence that he or she can make it through the time apart. So don’t let them down – it will frighten them.
Have Confidence
As hard as it may be to leave a clingy child who’s screaming and crying for you, it’s important to have confidence that the carer can handle it. It may help both of you to set up a time that you will call to check in, maybe 15 to 20 minutes after you leave. By that time, most toddlers have calmed down are playing with other things. Don’t let yourself give in early and call sooner!
If you’re caring for another person’s child who’s experiencing separation anxiety, try to distract the child with an activity or toy, or with songs, games, or anything else that’s fun. You may have to keep trying until something just clicks with the child.
Also, try not to mention the child’s mother or father, but do answer the child’s questions about his or her parents in a simple and straightforward way. You might say, “Mummy and Daddy are going to be back as soon as they have dinner. Let’s play with some toys!”
Build Independence
Of course, independence is your ultimate goal, but a clingy child benefits from an obvious, outward recognition of their autonomous skills. Give your child age-appropriate tasks to complete on their own, such as picking up toys or setting the table.
Offer praise when your child does something independently, such as playing on her own for a designated period of time or using the bathroom. This sends the message to the little one that they don’t have to cling to you to be successful.
As your child grows and gains independence, the clinginess will likely diminish. In fact, you’ll probably long for the days that your little one begged for you to carry him around!
However, if you’re concerned by your child’s excessive clinginess and it doesn’t seem to be passing, talk to your pediatrician about it (as well as your daycare provider, school teacher, or anyone else who serves as a caregiver to your child). The doctor might recommend visiting a mental health specialist, while the others could clue you in on any situations that might be causing this “I need you now, mommy” situation.
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